it must be Wednesday 'cause it's raining

Hi

2005-12-13T16:55:00.000-05:00

Hey hey, long time no see. I'm flattered that people still read this after not having updated for about 2 months. Please allow me to do so right now.

First and foremost, I'M DONE MY EXAMS!!! I'm free. It's nice. hee hee

Next order of business: I "met" this really nice, cool guy on Manhunt. It's rare to find people there who are there for anything but sex and immediately. So it was unexpected but very hoped-for. We're going to meet this weekend, and I'm excited. :D

I'm going to Florida and Argentina for the holiday!!!! Have some cousins in FLA and my bro and I are headed south from there for New Year's. Man am I excited for that! It's going to be a week of booze and hot guys on the beach. I'll take lots of pics, don't you worry, lol.

I'm going to Cuba this summer to collect data for my honours thesis next year. On hawksbill sea turtles. Whoo!!! I want to figure out if the Cuban population of hawksbills is polyandrous, that is whether or not one female a) mates with more than one male and if so b) whether or not there are multiple fathers per clutch of eggs. This type of research may help conservationists develop better strategies to preserve the global population of this critically endangered species.

My housemate's snake was eating a (dead) mouse today and its guts exploded and shot out of its ass!!!!! It was SO GROSS/hysterically entertaining. No, I don't take pleasure in seeing animals suffer but it was already dead.

I'm climbing lots. It feels really good to challenge myself to a route and get better at it at each attempt. I'm also playing squash. All of which is keeping me active and not depressed :D

I'll be updating more frequently. Hope everyone reading this is doing well. Drop me a line!

Check this shit out!!!

2005-10-23T20:04:00.000-04:00

"The Burmese python tried to swallow its fearsome rival whole but then exploded."

Check out the rest of the article here.

"Conclusion"

2005-10-22T14:00:00.000-04:00

Bueno. I said I'd update on the boy situation, so aquí está.

After mucha deliberación, I decided to write him a second email clarifying how I felt...at the end of which I wrote, "you probably have a lot on your plate right now, so talk to me when you're ready. In the meantime, please just let me know you heard me."

He messaged me right away, apologising for not being in touch more; he easily diffused the tension and we just talked about how I felt, how he felt. We were "over" emotionally -- we both concluded that there was no real chance for a relationship at this point; then he noticed a line I had slipped in there: " Part of me rejects that we can't just fool around without there being consequences in terms of our friendship. The other part wants to safeguard our friendship. As I said, I like you and hanging out with you... but come on, we had some chemistry there."

He pointed out that I had said that I was OK with fooling around. I was a little embarrassed but assented. We continued chatting, slipping in little flirty messages every now and then (you know where this is going, don't you? lol). We played online checkers while sending voice messages. The game was over but we were still voice messaging each other, flirting more and more.

He ended up at my place. We fooled around for a couple of hours. He went home.

It was pretty hot.

He left his ring here.... and I'm holding it hostage (insert wicked grin here). It's one of those Frodo-rings. I'm going to have to organize some sort of competition or feat for him to earn it back (insert wickider grin here).

So there you go. A bit of a plot twist for you.

They like me! They really like me!

2005-10-22T13:40:00.000-04:00

Summer photos 077
Originally uploaded by RainyWednesdays.

I recently got this picture entered into a photo contest on BBC.co.uk in Spanish. You likey? To see the rest of the pics, click here. My pic is in Galería IV.

Hope you enjoy!

Wow

2005-10-15T01:16:00.000-04:00

The possibility for love comes in the most unexpected situations sometimes, doesn't it?

My opportunity, I guess, started when I met up with a friend at a screening of a movie at a "Queerientation" event on campus. We had a fun night with some other friends at the sports bar and didn't talk for a bit after that.

Two weeks later, we were chatting on msn and both realized we didn't have anything going on that night, so we decided to go see a movie together. At the time, I wasn't thinking in terms of going on a date, but it kind of turned into one. We came back to my place and talked and played with my geckos (score! useful critters, lol).

The next night he wanted to come over and hang out. We watched Family Guy for awhile and then just sat and listened to music. We didn't even say much, just sat there enjoying it. The sexual tension was realllly thick. But I still hadn't really thought to myself what I wanted out of this. Then he asked me if I wanted to kiss him. I freaked. Yeah, I did want to, but I was afraid of where we would be after that. Would it be awkward?... So we didn't kiss.

This guy is super cute. He's taller than me, and has red, curly hair and beautiful eyes. He's got a great, honest sense of humour which I really find liberating.

The next week was pretty busy, and we didn't see each other till last Monday. Which is when it all happened. We watched What Lies Beneath (a perfect movie that gives you an excuse to be touchy-feely, lol) and we ended up spooning, then kissing. Man, this guy can kiss.

We made out for a couple of hours. It was really fun: kissing, wrestling, feeling; definitely enjoyed that. But there was another tension in the air, that kept stopping us at every step.

At this point we were both very uncertain about what we wanted. Honestly, at that point, I figured I wanted to take is slowly so we could have a little time to think about what we were doing. So we stopped at making out, and after kissing him goodnight I went home.

Then I got the email. He's not ready for a relationship. He basically said that he doesn't see any other choice than to just be friends. He wants to experience all that the university environment has to offer. And I completely agree with him on that point, except that he says this conflicts with a relationship because he can't do open relationships. Fuck. I was really disappointed that this was happening, especially since he had been the one to come onto me and that I was now into him.

I replied to his email, saying that while I was disappointed, this was alright with me. Stupid me. I didn't articulate myself very well. I'm still very confused about what I wanted out of it too. One line in his email was "Not that all I ever wanted was to fool around." Well I'm not sure that all I ever wanted was a relationship. But he has a really good point: that "friends with benefits" doesn't work, that it would necessarily cause attachment and tying down (not necessarily in a literal sense! lol!). I don't really know, I've never tried.

But right now I'm feeling conflicted and stupid about what I wrote. Cause I do want him as a friend but I also want HIM. I'm depressed that this possibility for romantic love has practically vanished. And the thing is, now that I've replied to his email he thinks that I'm just fine with the situation. We haven't actually spoken since his email, but I assume that whenever we do we'll get a clearer picture of what's going on. But I hate this insecurity, this seeming impossibility of any kind of relationship other than simple friendship, be it dating or a more casual relationship. I think in his mind it's settled (at least that we have no sexual business with each other any more) but I'm kind of hoping that that's not the case. Fak! What happens now!?

Epiphany

2005-09-16T20:05:00.000-04:00

Some sea turtles have colour vision. A recent publication states that it is possible the have some of rods or cones necessary (I don't remember which) to see some colours of the visible electromagnetic spectrum, particularly those between 500 and 580 nm (that is, some greens and yellows). This is moderately surprising since blue is the colour that penetrates water the best (because it has the highest energy of the colours of the spectrum). Presumably, this lets the herbivorous turtles see as they forage in the relatively shallow pastoral waters with lots of vegetation.

That just made me happy.

Most pun I've ever had

2005-09-15T22:50:00.000-04:00

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him: a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

2005-08-26T23:58:00.000-04:00

Running from the T. Rex

2005-08-26T23:53:00.000-04:00

Visiting the CN Tower

2005-08-26T23:52:00.000-04:00

Nat and I at the beach while she was visiting from Panama

Back to the crunch

2005-08-26T23:47:00.000-04:00

It's crazy to see how fast time flies. When you're having fun and even when you're not.

But I've certainly been having lots of fun. Summer for me is full of spending time outside, making friends, hanging out with my campers at work,sailing, making money, etc.

And the very thought of fall and winter make me shudder. It's just a natural response. Once leaves start falling, it's a universally-known symbol (in the temperate regions of the world, I guess) that school is starting soon and that the summer slack-off is over. In some years, when there's nothing going on in the summer, that's a good thing, but this year in particular has had a great summer, and I'm honestly a little depressedto go back to school.

It's mostly the fact that many of my friends are moving to other places, and that I'm going to have to come out of my shell a little to find new friends. For many people, meeting new people is very fun, but sometimes I slightly dread meeting people. I'm a pretty shy person and it's often
difficult for me to be with large groups of people. Any suggestions for meeting gay people in a mid-sized university town?

Enjoy the next couple of weeks! Cause after that it's back to the crunch!

I am drunk

2005-07-17T02:24:00.000-04:00

It's so much fun to get together with friends and chat about old times; and meet new people too.

I got such a chance today, to reminisce and chat randomly with a bunch of people over drinks. It was awesome. Then I took the bus back and had to walk for 20 mins to get home. On the way, a police cruiser stopped me and asked me for my ID. It was interesting. I just kept on walking fter. I wasn't quite sure what to feel about that. I've been asked for my ID in other countries where it's mandatory to have your ID with you at all times; never in Canada. I guess I looked lightly suspicious: I'm male; walking home without a shirt at 2:00 am; I'm brown in a Jewish neighbourhood. Fair enough...? I didn't think this happened so much in Toronto.

I guess I'm glad the police are patrolling the area to make sure nothing out of the ordinary is happening; but on the other hand, I'm sad that they have to.

Maybe they were just checking me out. :)

Earlier today I had a chance to meet up with my housemate J over brunch while he was getting his visa in Toronto. It was great to catch up (slightly) with him and his family. It was really good to finally meet his parents and see who these people are, after hearing about them for a year. Hope I see him again before he goes on exchange.

Anyway, I'm gonna get some sleep. And drink lots of H2O. Night.

Disturbing

2005-07-08T20:49:00.000-04:00

So one of the Staff at the zoo was fired because he was taking pictures of kids. Inappropriately.

He apparently developed a very close friendship with one of the girls in his group and started taking pictures of her crotch. We're talking about a girl aged 7-8. It actually makes me feel slightly sick to write this.

Talking to the other counsellors at the camp, we realised that he was a little creepy to begin with. We had a sleepover night and he stayed up all night. Presumably taking pictures of people in their tents? And he took many pictures of women counsellors and never published them along with the other pictures he was taking.

I was very disturbed by this. It kind of put a damper on the morning, when I found out. But we had to ignore it as our group came in and we had to deal with them.

Yeah. So that was my trauma for the week. But the rest of the week was awesome! Camp is so much fun! The kids are great and they like to learn (most of them) although they are quite hyper. My theory is that it's because school has just ended. They'll calm down in the following weeks.

Right?

2005-07-07T17:51:00.000-04:00

The fence. And our lion, Lindy, yawning in the background. Man, I love the zoo.

2005-07-07T17:42:00.000-04:00

Camping last weekend with M!

2005-07-07T17:39:00.000-04:00

After a dip in the swampy lake

2005-07-07T17:35:00.000-04:00

3-hour hike... beautiful, but long

2005-07-07T17:34:00.000-04:00

...And we made it back in one piece... well, two pieces.

Gay -- are you ok?

2005-06-24T22:32:00.000-04:00

Does it bug you when people say, "That's so gay" or "He's so gay" when they really mean stupid?

I have to say, it bugs me. I mean, people are using a term that I identify with (that is neither negative nor positive) in a pejorative manner. It's like saying, "That's so frickin' left-handed" or "I can't believe she's so Deaf". It's taking something that somebody was born with and can't control, and using it in a negative manner. Is this OK?

Am I being too sensitive? I have the same problem with people saying, "That's so retarded". Retarded is a clinical term that means an individual is mentally delayed. I don't think people should use it in that sense, cause they could seriously be offending people who are retarded or know somebody who is.

Political-correctness is very big in Canada, especially with young people. The line between correctness for the sake of preserving dignity and correctness for the sake of correctness is very fine and hard to define. Am I going overboard?

In other news, training for camp is still happening, but we've finished touring the Zoo and learning everything about everything. Next week we're going to talk about our "curriculum" (programs) and then the kiddies invade.....

I'm gonna try and check out Pride on Sunday -- hopefully I can recruit some friends to come along. Have a beautiful weekend.

2005-06-18T16:25:00.001-04:00

Mediterranean Chameleon

2005-06-18T16:25:00.000-04:00

Jersey, the Eastern Milk Snake I was keeping last year.

2 truths and a lie

2005-06-14T01:23:00.000-04:00

This is a game we play at Zoo Camp. I tell 3 stories, two of which are true, and one of which is a lie. It's up to you to guess which one is the lie.

Here we go:

I've had a pretty tumultuous year. I'm going to tell you 3 things that have happened in the past year.

1) I checked into Emergency in November for heart fibrillations (arhythmia) and walked out the next day with drugs that I now have to take for the rest of my life.

2) I have come out to my family and some friends over the past year, including my ex-girlfriend.

3) My grandmother passed away in February.

You can ask as many questions as you like. Good luck.

Teeko

2005-06-14T01:10:00.000-04:00

Teeko, our latest baby giraffe. Inquisitive little fella.

This is the second week of training at the Zoo. I'm having a blast. We're going behind the scenes at many exhibits (camels and giraffes today!) and it's always very cool to see what goes on with the keepers and how they maintain a good habitat for the animals.

It's a lot like camp, which, for the time being, is fun. Next week we start planning the "curriculum", and I guess we find out who is placed with which age group. I'm hoping for BioCamp, which is ages 13-16, but I'll more likely end up with Discoverers (11-12ish) since I'm new here.

The Toronto Zoo is an awesome place. Visit if you have a chance.

In other news, I'm production managing for another run of Amadeus, this time in Toronto, at the Tarragon Extra Space at Bathurst and Dupont. Check out www.stagedandconfused.com for more details. This group is apparently the best so far (some professional players as well as students, etc); I have yet to see a rehearsal, but I'm looking forward to it!

2005-06-11T01:27:00.000-04:00

Bro, me, friend in NYC cab

2005-06-11T01:24:00.000-04:00

Gorilla amidst crowd: Bronx Zoo last weekend

2005-06-11T01:22:00.000-04:00

I love summer!

2005-06-07T23:14:00.000-04:00

I wake up. It's 6:45am and my radio alarm is going. I take a shower and leave. Walking out the door, I realize that it is already 25 degreesoutside. Nice.

By the time I get to the Zoo it is hot. All the camp counsellors (me included) are doing training for the next 4 weeks before camp actually starts. If the weather is like this week all the way through, it will be very nice! We've been having 30-degree weather all week -- a stark contrast to the 5 degrees I was experiencing in Calgary a month ago. I guess that's the thing about living at such a high latitude on a planet that has such a marked axial tilt (23 degrees is quite a bit): the variation in seasons is quite extreme. From minus 30 to plus 30 in just six months. That's a sixty-degree variation in half a year. But I guess that's not all that extreme, compared to Mars...

It's nice to have some variation I suppose, but every new summer that comes along I tell myself that I'm moving to some tropical Latin-American country to live and do field research. I just love warm weather, and the lush colours of vegetation, and the activity of billions of organisms all fighting to make a living.

Hmm, maybe it's my Guyanese roots that make me addicted to warmth... Maybe I'm a reptile down underneath all my human appearance. Who really knows. ;)

¡Terminado!

2005-05-29T16:30:00.000-04:00

Hé terminado mi trabajo práctico en la escuela por este semestre. Debo decir que ésta fue la experiencia más intensiva y instructadora que haya experimentado hasta ahora en la disciplina de la educación.

Mi profesor adjunto era muy inteligente y trató a sus estudiantes con respecto. Me dió todas sus notas y pruebas, porque en sus palabras, "no hay que reinventar la rueda." Hacia la tercera (última) semana, yo enseñaba todas sus clases. Fue la primera vez que enseñé una clase oficialmente. Mis lecciones eran bastante interesantes y encontré muy fascinante ver al proceso de conocimiento y adquirimiento de información. Más de enseñar información (aunque sea obviamente necesario), encontré muy importante estimular la comprensión vía la estimulación del pensamiento. Fue difícil buscar preguntas interesantes para que los estudiantes repondieran, pero esto fue la ruta más exitosa en que concierne la comprensión profunda y hacer vínculos con otras áreas de conocimiento.

Estoy triste que ya ha acabado el trabajo. Las trés semanas huyeron muy rapidamente y creo que si había tenido más tiempo habría podido enseñarles de manera más profunda y elaborada. El último día con los estudiantes del noveno año, tuvimos unas discusiones muuuuuy interesantes sobre la clonación y las implicaciónes éticas, sociales y económicas. Personalmente, es por eso que quiero hacerme profesor. Si solo había tenido más tiempo!....

Pues... estoy triste pero también estoy muuuuy entusiasmado por el comienzo del trabajo en el Zoo de Toronto! Tengo una semana sin trabajo y entonces me lanzo en esa nueva obra...

What's in a name?

2005-05-29T16:27:00.000-04:00

You may have wondered at some point or another how the name of my blog came about. The answer lies in an email that I sent out to a bunch of friends about a year-and-a-half ago:

Hi everyone.
I hope everything's been going well. I've been slightly busy here lately, as the term rushes to a close and exams start.
On another note, I've remarked that it rains every Wednesday in Kingston. I'm not quite sure what mechanism is responsible for this strange occurrence, but every Wednesday since I've come to Kingston it has rained. It could be very nice on Monday or Tuesday, and the weather people could predict beautiful weather, but if it's a Wednesday, it'll rain. They should really know by now, those weather people. What kind of force could cause this type of strange phenomenon, you ask? A froggy one, that's what.

Frogs need a certain amount of water in their environment to live (being amphibians and all), and they seem to have some kind of mysterious power that the human race has not seemed to have mastered yet: controlling the world. Yep. That's right. Douglas Adams was wrong. It's not rats; it's frogs. Just this morning, I was flushing my defective pencil down the toilet, and up popped a frog to tell me that I should be afraid, because it would be really wet outside. And sure enough, as I loped outside, in myusual calm / lazy manner, I noticed some slight torrential rainfall.

At first, I was kind of skeptical; I mean, a frog had told me that. Who trusts a frog? But as the day progressed, I knew that there was somethingdistinctly froggy about the whole situation.
Yep.
Just a word of warning, from a concerned friend. Be careful, and watch out for the rain. And the frogs.
TRis.

2005-05-28T18:36:00.000-04:00

God DAMN!

Still teaching....

2005-05-23T17:07:00.000-04:00

I got through my meiosis lesson. It was actually a lot of fun! The first week was pretty boring, but the second week was much better, because every other day I was standing at the front of the class with the grade 9s.

This week is going to be even better. I'm teaching everyday!! Monday is a holiday here (Victoria day), but Tuesday I have the grade 9s, and then Wednesday are the grade 11s! It's slightly intimidating to teach grade 11 because I'm only ... let' see... 3 years older than them... He has one class from hell (which should be fun!...) and the other two will be pretty cooperative.

I'm looking up genetic diseases to talk about, and then we'll address ethical issues surrounding cloning. I'm excited to facilitate good discussions with my grade 9s, cause I don't think they have that many chances to do that.

Whew

2005-05-16T00:55:00.000-04:00

Last week was my first week at the school. The students are pretty laid-back and reasonably mature, which makes teaching them reproduction fun and not annoying, as it could be. The teacher is great. His perception about his students, I think, is a little off though. But he's a very dedicated guy, and is putting a lot into making my experience very good. He's giving me copies of his handouts and pointers here and there. Last week was slightly boring because I was just observing.

I need to make a lesson plan for Tuesday, which is when I start actually teachign. Argh! What to do, what to do?

I'm teaching the grade 9 classes about mitosis and meiosis. I have it all laid out -- the clincher is, though, that I want to make it as interestingand interactive as possible. Which can be hard in biology.

Readers, what was your favourite teacher's style? What is it that makes a teacher not only understandable, but also good?

In my experience, the fantastic teachers were the ones who had a very student-centred approach [don't mind the spelling -- I'm Canadian], those who placed the emphasis on understanding and effort rather than achievement.

I'm wondering how to present new material to my students. I could get up there and show them overheads and be a clone of many other, boring teachers; but I would really like to engage them in an interesting conversation where they would learn something rather than copy the info
down. I've never tried this in a bio class and I don't know how well it would work.

The chronicle continues this week. I'll keep you posted.

Uh oh......

2005-05-08T22:26:00.000-04:00

So the placement starts tomorrow. The teaching placement, with me teaching grade 9 and 11 students about reproductive biology.

He he he.... The things I'll teach them....

I'm actually pretty nervous about this, because I'm only like 2-3 years older than the grade 11 students. I'm there for 3 weeks, and I'll probably be teaching starting in a couple of days, after aninitial observation period.

I hope my host teacher is good. I've had 2 so far, and both had their positives and negatives. My first placement was with a guy many students liked, but I ended up not really liking his attitude towardshis students.

My teaching philosophy is one of respect and that includes treating my students with the perception that they are intelligent people with critical minds, opinions and feelings, rather than passive receptaclesthat I can preach to. That was a grade 7/8 class.

The next placement was with a grade 2 teacher whose philosophy was a little better but I was still quite appalled by how structured and rigid classes are at that level. She actually had a poster in the classroom of the rules and the consequences of breaking them. I
definitely don't want that kind of atmosphere in my classroom.

I think the arts as well as the sciences can be taught in a way that allows critical input and interpretation. The ideal class is one in which all the students are engaged (participating and interested) andlearning.

I think effort matters more than achievement. Unfortunately our curriculum doesn't really allow for that. I think it's important that teachers have minds more open than their students, and if I teach for a living it will be because I'm willing to take the challenge. If I do become a teacher, it will be not because I'm getting jaded but because I'm willing to fight for thesevalues. It pisses me off when people teach just to have a job and therefore suck.

So I'm an idealist. Bite me.

I'm baaack!

2005-05-04T23:50:00.000-04:00

Cross-country is awesome.

It's fascinating to see a variety of landscapes and climates and fauna and flora, all in the scale of a few measly days.

From San Diego, we spent one night in Monterey, CA with some relatives at a beach house they had for the week. It was wicked! After that, we flew into Bend, OR for lunch (beautiful) and then over WA state into Vancouver, BC. That place is so pretty. Mountains in the distance, warm temperatures.... My cousin and his family are down there and we chilled with them for 2 days. Then we flew onwards to Calgary, AB to stay with my uncle and his family for 3 days. He threw a party with all his (very interesting) friends and the next day we took some people up flying. That night I hung out with some of my cousins in Calgary (I have a HUGE family).

The next day some of my uncle's friends took us to Banff and Lake Louise. It was so beautiful. You gotta check out my pics of that...

The next day we left all the fun and continued on the journey. We flew clear over Saskatchewan and stopped in Brandon, Manitoba for lunch, and then onward to stay the night in Kenora, which was very pretty -- lots of lakes and islands. The hotel room had a nice view of the water.

The next morning we continued into Ontario, stopping in Canadian Sault Ste. Marie for "lunch" (the restaurant was closed so we feasted on chips and chocolate), and then weaving through the clouds/rain/snow back to Toronto.

It was a great journey, taking about 13 hours of flying total to traverse about 5,000 miles of mountain and prarie. Wow, technology is amazing. Imagine how much time and energy it would have taken (if it had even been possible) in the 18th century.

Cow Town!

2005-04-30T11:52:00.000-04:00

We're in Calgary, Alberta now. After a one-and-a-half hour flight from Vancouver, over the Okanagan Valley, to Calgary. It's frickin cold here.Vancouver was in the mid-twenties and here it's like 5 C.

Flying over the Canadian Rockies was beautiful. We flew at 15,000 ft, and definitely needed the oxygen.

I'm going to be hanging out with my cousins and other relatives for a couple of days, then onwards to (Winnipeg and) Toronto.

We're having a great time. Last night my uncle had a party and invited a bunch of his random friends, and it was a really interesting group,although I'm pretty sure I'm the only 20 year-old.

Keep checking out my pics!

Back in Canada

2005-04-28T02:48:00.000-04:00

About one-third of the journey is over.

We have made it from California, through Oregon, over Washington and into Vancouver today. We're staying at my cousin's place for a couple of nights and then onwards to Calgary.

There was a lot of flying today. We ran into some weather in the Northwestern U.S. with some thunderstorms building next to our path. We stopped in Bend, Oregon for a couple of hours and luckily the weather had moved out of our path by the time we were ready to leave for Vancouver.

We left from Monterey, CA, where we were staying at a fantastic beach house rented by some relatives. Wow, it was nice. Very relaxing.

Oregon is a beautiful place. Lush, warm, clear. Vancouver is similarly beautiful, at least what I have seen of it so far.

Check out my pix again at Flickr.com (see link to the right of the page) -- I've updated them, and added plenty of funny captions.

Check back soon!

San Diego harbour

2005-04-26T01:48:00.000-04:00

Launch smiling

It is reallllly nice in SD right now with my dad.... it was about 18 C today (What's that, like 72-ish F?)... We took a nice trip around to Point Loma and saw lots of beautiful scenery and some fauna (cool little lizards, pelicans, falcons... heard some seals I think -- not Navy SEALS unfortunately). Tomorrow we're going to Monterey to visit some family there. We'll spend one night there and then onwards to Vancouver via Bend, Oregon. More coming soon. For some nice pics of today's expedition check out my Flickr set by clicking on the photo.

Sunny San Diego

2005-04-25T15:08:00.000-04:00

Dear friends and readers,

Hi from San Diego! Ha, I bet you didn't know I was coming here. I flew out last night to meet my dad in San Diego and we're flying back to Toronto starting Tuesday via Northern California, Oregon and Washington states, then into British Columbia, Alberta and Manitoba. My dad's a pilot, by the way, and owns a beautiful new 4-seater.

It's gonna be a really beautiful trip. I'll post some pics when I get a chance.

TRis.

WOO HOO!!!

2005-04-24T03:37:00.000-04:00

Guess why I'm happy. Besides the fact that I'm done second year...

I told J. I'm gay. It feels really good to be out to my best friend.

I'm sad that it has taken me this long to come out to him (a touch of alcohol probably helped...) but overall really glad that I did it.

Every time I come out to somebody that I have known for a long time it feels really good, like I've had a weight lifted off my shoulders.

It's gooood....

Take that, second year!

2005-04-23T17:52:00.000-04:00

I'm DONE! No more exa-ams!!

...Now to the cleaning/packing party...

It's driving me crazy!!!

2005-04-23T04:07:00.000-04:00

Never, ever take organic chemistry!

HOLYCRAP that's a freaky baby picture!!!!

2005-04-20T01:44:00.000-04:00

Be prepared.

For more cool (and quite hot) pics check out Jake's site.

Is it wrong?

2005-04-19T23:49:00.000-04:00

Is it wrong that I want to eat a gecko?

She's sitting on my shoulder. And she looks so tasty. Mmmm, gecko.

The satisfying mouthful... but then no more gecko. Shucks.

Maybe it's cause I just had wings.

Maybe it's cause I just had beer.

Mmm, beer and wings. $0.45 wings at The Brass....

Ah, Tuesday night.

Oohhhhhhhhh, final exams....

2005-04-17T00:24:00.000-04:00

...How I intensely dislike you. Not because you cost me an extra 2 weeks here frantically studying, not because I hate chemistry, and especially organic chemistry (ok, yes, these are reasons for my hatred), but mostly because I'm lazy.

I'm a procrastinator at heart, but the scary thing is that I no longer find myself able to procrastinate as free of guilt as before. While I take the usual detours around my work, I find myself stressed at the fact that I'm not doing my work... But what happens, see, is that when I get stressed out my stress makes me want to procrastinate even more.

Guilt is self-activating. It is a big positive feedback mechanism. Once you start to feel guilty, you automatically keep doing things that tend to make you feel even more culpable, and it's a longggg spiral deep into the dark depths of procrastination from there.

But it feels so good to procrastinate while you're doing it! Damn youuuuu, brain! Work! Work! Work!

...

Nah, I think I'll keep on surfing the web for awhile.

Thumbs down and thumbs up

2005-04-15T00:57:00.000-04:00

OK, I definitely liked Kill Bill. But Sin City? I'd give it a "meh".

Artistically, it was great. Very cool. But I don't know -- it just didn't have me hooked. I was kind of falling asleep halfway through. And a lot of violence. I'd say it was very weird generally.

On another note, I very highly recommend reading Family Matters by Rohinton Mistry. I think he's a Canadian writer of Indian descent. He makes very interesting comments about emigration, India and Indian culture (which I'm finding permeates as well into the West Indies, where many Indians were taken as indentured labourers), colonialism (which also strikes a bell), growing up, etc... I am really enjoying it; I'm halfway through right now. it's an easy read, and I haven't wanted to put it down. I started yesterday and right now I'm in the 260s.

Anyway, you should read it.

Swimming naked in the ocean

2005-04-15T00:25:00.001-04:00

...I had a crazy near-drowning experience off an island in the archipelago of Bocas del Toro, Panama. There was no boat, no electricity, and the nearest phone was a 2-hour hike away. There were six of us living in a small cabin tagging sea turtles by night and lounging by day.

Irene and I had decided to go snorkeling, since the surf was just calming down. Now I don't know if you remember this, but I'm not a great swimmer -- I lack the training and fluidity it takes to be energy-efficient, and the stamina it takes to last very long. So we went out -- she with her mask, snorkel and flippers, and me with only a mask and a snorkel. First mistake.

We swam out because close to the beach the sand was being swirled up and would disturb our viewing of the beautiful fish we never ended up seeing. That should have been our second clue that it wasn't safe to go further, the first one being that the beach had eroded 4 feet down and the waves were still crashing ashore in several areas. But we were young, we were stupid. So we kept going.

Irene was ahead of me. She seemed fine. We were both looking down to see what was there. Nothing, really. She signaled to me that we should try swimming parallel to the beach to find a better spot. I agreed, and attempted to follow her. Lacking the added thrust flippers would have provided, I tried to follow her but she was going way too fast. Looking back at the shore, I all of a sudden realised that I was quite far out. And I could not for the life of me touch the bottom.

Looking up towards the shore through my foggy mask, my snorkel kept getting hit by the waves, and at times my whole head would get washed over. I was now struggling to stay afloat. I glanced at where I expected Irene to be. She was too far away. Deciding that my mask and snorkel were useless since I was looking up, I decided to get rid of them. I was definitely panicking.

There's something weird about yelling for help. It's like a final admission that you can't make it back on your own. And that prospect is scary as hell. I imagine this is why people wait till they are panicked to call for help. But what happens when you start calling is that it scares you even more. I heard my own voice calling back at me, "Help!! Help!!" It sounded weak and pitiful. But remarkably loud. I wonder how it sounded at the beach.

At that point I realised how incredibly stupid it would be if I died right there. I could imagine what it would be like to get a phone call from a person in Panama you don't know and finding out that your son is dead. Would they find my body in this crazy surf? Would I get eaten by sharks? Time seemed to have stopped. I don't remember how long I was yelling. It felt like an eternity, but it was probably less than one minute.

Aniela was on the shore. She had been watching us. She's a lifeguard and a great swimmer. By the time I was yelling and flailing, she had gotten Kieran, who is an Australian surfer. It seemed like forever. I was out of breath, trying to stay afloat.

Once I saw Kieran coming out on his surfboard, I started to calm down. I realised that I would probably survive this ordeal. I won't say I regained composure but it definitely helped me relax, although I continued to swallow gasps of air and briny Caribbean water.

Kieran finally got there and I held onto the board. Finally, something solid. I got onto the board and he pushed from behind. Crossing the point where the waves were breaking, there was a chance that we would tip over, he told me. But the board was attached to my foot and I would just get back on.

We made it back through the crashing surf. I climbed very weakly off the board. I felt like shit. Totally exhausted and nauseated, I stumbled into a chair and sat for about 10 minutes, contemplating the answer to life, the universe, and, well, everything.

A couple of days later, Kieran told me that he had recently been seeing sharks in the water while he was surfing. Once one was swimming alongside him and he had to avoid it as he dove into the water. That kind of news makes me shudder.

But possibly the weirdest thing about this whole situation is what my mom told me when we were driving back from the airport in Toronto. She said, "Your grandma has been very worried about you. She was calling me very frequently two weeks ago asking if I have heard from you. She had a dream that you were drowning in a river full of crocodiles."

Wow. I should totally get swimming lessons.

PS: Tricked ya, I wasn't really naked (that time). I know, it's disappointing.

2005-04-13T00:49:00.000-04:00

Me looking as normal as I can

2005-04-13T00:19:00.000-04:00

C'est moi...

Why is it so hard?

2005-04-06T00:46:00.000-04:00

Why am I finding it so hard to tell my friends I'm gay? It's beyond being able to bring up the topic -- that's happened many times before without me coming out. It happened today in fact.

I keep thinking that I'm definitely ready to take this step and move on. Logically it's not a big deal, it's just that ... I feel like I need to address personal issues if I'm going to get my head around this.

Why would I not be comfortable with people knowing? In my past experience, telling people has been very, very relieving. It's been very comforting to realize that it really doesn't matter to people who love me.

Am I afraid of rejection? Hell yes -- but I'm not so sure that's the whole deal. I rehearse many times per day the conversation that could happen -- could potentially happen, if I could work up the nerve to do it.

I am afraid. I'm scared of being vulnerable. I'm scared of changing the way people see me. I think that's the clincher.

I'm also scared that the conversation won't go as I planned; well, obviously nothing does go exactly according to plan, but that's what I enjoy about life sometimes; why can't I enjoy it in this situation? It's exciting, the outcome is unpredicable and my friends will know me better.

I'm kind of afraid of the question of why I had a girlfriend, but ultimately that's something I have to work out by myself.

I'm also afraid that I'm not boyfriend material, that I'm too fucked up to be in a serious relationship in the near future. The chat I had the other day with D. really enlightened me as to how I view relationships and responsibility and culpability. I want to be able to talk to somebody.

Every now and then I think about going into the Grey House for a chat with somebody who's been through this.

I often realize that I'm afraid to start things and take the initiative. Obviously, this is a time when I can address this problem and fix it -- I'm always able to change myself; may as well be for the better.

I have these inner conversations, predicting how telling J. would be. Then he comes home and I just ignore it. It's now become a habit (of course I can't blame the habit for not being able to tell him).

I want all my housemates to know -- esp. J. and K. -- before the summer; and the sooner the better, cause that way we can all get to know the real me a bit better. It's not even like I'm all that different -- it's just that I'm attracted to men... Part of my problem may be that I'm afraid of making a huge deal out of something that is not. I think, basically, that I just want to do it right.

The thing is, I need to make myself realize that there is no one right way to do this. I must do this the way I can. My way. This is my issue and no 2 gay people are alike, therefore no 2 gay people have the same success / way of coming out.

The conclusion I come to, as usual, is that I just have to bite the bullet and do it before I go insane.

I can think of many random ways to do it, and those might be fun but perhaps not all that appropriate. Or maybe...

I feel like J. I want direction and orders. The scariest part for me is realizing that I'm an adult and that this decision has to come purely from me. I need to grab life by the horns. I need to take control.

Fuck.